Yes, you’re feeling grief. No, don’t pay attention to the Five Stages.
--
Here’s what you need to do instead.
I glanced at a Harvard Business Review (HBR) article on grief that keeps turning up, bad penny style, on my social media. My first response was “duh,”. Then I looked closer.
The HBR author interviews grief.com founder David Kessler on why so many of us right now feel the way we do and what we can do about it. Kessler confirms that, yes, what we are feeling is grief and there are different griefs we’re experiencing. So far, this is obvious and pretty innocuous. And then Kessler is asked what individuals can do to “manage all this grief”. Kessler tells us that we need to “understand” the stages of grief and “find control in acceptance”. It’s at that point that I sit up.
“One of the world’s foremost experts on healing and loss,” according to his bio, David Kessler’s first book _The Needs of the Dying_ was praised by hospice workers. Kessler is also the co-author of two other bestsellers, _On Grief_ and _Grieving and Life Lessons_, both with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Kübler-Ross’ name is likely familiar. She was a psychiatrist who made the subject of death and dying her life’s work. Kübler-Ross created the infamous Five Stages of Grief which made her a household name in many circles.
Americans love tools like the Five Stages. We have a boundless appetite for how-to’s and personality tests. The Five Stages have been used similarly. They have been shared, discussed and established as a way to better understand feelings around grief, to help people identify and normalize their own emotions. Experts like Kessler offer them as a self-help salve for those of us who are grieving.
Which would, indeed, make the Five Stages a wonderful tool except for the fact that they are intended for people who are dying.
Kübler-Ross created the Five Stages so dying people could better understand and accept the common feelings that they have around their impending death. Unfortunately the Five Stages has been used for people grieving the loss of a loved one and in more general situations of loss like we are experiencing today, due to Covid-19. It has been applied out of context for almost fifty years. And no one knows this better than Kessler.
Yet when asked how we should manage our grief, Kessler again circles back to the Five Stages. He suggests “understanding” the Five Stages and “finding control in acceptance”. The article author, understandably, wants more and pushes, asking if there are techniques that one can use. Making lemonade out of lemons, Kessler advises us to “find balance” in the worst case scenarios that run through our minds. To “come into the present” and breathe, to “stock up on compassion” for other people and practice patience with them. Sounds so simple and maybe even intuitive, right?
But it’s exactly the extreme self-reliance inherent in Kessler’s advice that leads to another troubling reason in using the Five Stages as a prescriptive. The Five Stages are an enabler of a damaging American ideal: rugged individualism. Rugged individualism is the idea that we should be able to go it alone. It embodies extreme independence, encouraging us to hunker down and plow through. If we can buck up and accept our lot, things will be fine. We will succeed, come out on top. This is one of our worst false myths.
There were already too many of us, due to a trauma history, struggling in isolation when we received the social distancing mandate and/or stay at home order. Dealing with something hard alone, makes the thing all the harder. So instead of telling people to empty their emotions into Five brittle boxes or to “keep trying”, as Kessler recommends, let’s put them out to people instead. Sharing our feelings with safe, trusted people and giving them space to do the same.
I have lost _____.
Who am I if I am not _______?
I’m angry because ______.
I feel sad because ______.
I don’t feel like ______ right now.
We need to talk to each other more, not less. (And of course, in a safe way like texting, phone calls or direct messaging through our social media.) We must connect with other people in order to understand that we are not alone. That other people feel similarly. Hearing messages of solidarity, empathy and shared experience normalize what we’re going through. It helps assure us that we are still cared for. When we feel love that way, we are more able to love ourselves. We’re in a better place to accept that our feelings matter, “even if” we are “healthy”.
It’s normal to want a path to follow, especially when we’re in pain, clear boxes to check off so that we may see the end. Uncertainty is painful for everyone. But life doesn’t follow an ordered pattern. Like trauma, grief and loss are not linear. And one way we live with that frustrating truth is by connecting with other people. Not dipping into a framework of emotions that were not only never intended for our use but do nothing to build generosity of spirit, resilience or empathy.
If you had something before this crisis that is no longer yours, no matter how small or temporary, you are probably grieving right now. As you read this. As you look out your window. As you keep six feet away from other humans. And you’re not alone. We’re all in this together. Kessler is right about one thing: this situation is temporary. Like life with a newborn, it feels endless. But this will not last forever. While we’re here, though, let’s do this together.
Elizabeth M. Johnson MA is a writer and podcaster based in Durham, North Carolina. She writes about trauma, relationships and how we make decisions. Sign up for her Substack here or be social @EMJWriting.
